If it’s okay with you, this week I wanted to try something a little different…
With the holiday season fast approaching, a number of readers have reached out to ask whether I have any advice for how best to navigate festivities while sharing time with a family member (or ten) whose worldview you find somewhat challenging. As someone with a left-leaning mother, a right-leaning father, and an extended family that breaks hard both ways, I certainly have a few ideas. But it also occurs to me that we all probably have tips and tricks for this time of year. So, rather than pretend I’ve got it all figured out, this week I wanted to offer my incomplete guide for how to get along at the holidays, and ask if you might be willing to share some ideas of your own.
An Incomplete Guide On How To Get Along At The Holidays ©
Begin With An Achievable Goal: Sure, you could set out to try and change the lifelong beliefs of your father-in-law in a single afternoon, but it might be more pragmatic to set yourself a more achievable goal like getting five stories from his childhood, or figuring out the full story behind how his beliefs were formed.
Consider Adopting An Alter Ego: There’s no rule saying you have to turn up for the holidays as yourself. No-one needs to know you’re there as an anthroplogist, a 60 Minutes researcher, or a comedian developing material for your next special. So long as you remain undercover, no-one will notice the difference but you.
When It Comes To Other People’s Beliefs, Tread Lightly: Despite how sensitive I am about my own beliefs, I somehow still can’t quite comprehend how sensitive other people can be about their own. I know I should tread lightly. I also know it’s easier said than done. But even when I fail to tread lightly, I do at least try to try.
Seek To Understand Before Being Understood: One of the major design flaws of the human brain is that many us are unable to listen until we feel heard. Even if you think your great aunt isn’t a great listener, if you start with a good faith effort to make her feel heard, you might find her more open to listening than you think.
Recognize Echo Chamber Thinking: Thanks to the fractured media landscape, it’s entirely possible that some people around your family dinner table are living in an alternate reality that’s very different to your own. But rather than tear your hair out in frustration, I find it’s more fun to play a game of echo chamber bingo.
You get a point every time they demonstrate echo chamber thinking, such as:
Dividing the world into a Disney-esque land of pure heroes and evil villains
Assigning only noble motives to their side and malign motives to opponents
Presenting straw man positions as the apotheosis of their opponent’s beliefs
Presenting opponents as both comically inept and impossibly dangerous
Failing to conceive how a reasonable person might disagree with their views
How To Express Disagreement: It can take stamina to sit opposite a racist uncle or a holier-than-thou niece for a few hours, so I like to use a few stock phrases to maintain my self-respect. I find a polite: ‘oh, that hasn’t been my experience’, or ‘I have a different intuition on that’ to be helpful, but I welcome other suggestions.
If An Argument Happens: If you do happen to find yourself in an argument, my main advice would be to ask questions. My particular favorites are politely asking: ‘What do you think are the strongest arguments put forward by the other side?’ and ‘Do you have any theories as to why other people might see things a different way?’
Remember It’s All About Values: In my mind, almost every human on the planet is walking around with the same values, but things go wrong when we forget we all prioritize those values in different ways. So, the chance of your Grandma’s top ten being in the same order as yours is tiny, even if you do both share some DNA.
It Cuts Both Ways: Your mother-in-law’s views may seem entirely wrong-headed to you, but chances are your views seem equally as flawed to her. I find it helpful to remember that if I’d been born as her and experienced everything she had, I’d believe everything she does, and that the reverse is true if she’d been born as me.
Don’t Try To Change Anyone’s Mind: If I can offer one grand-unifying-theory of advice for the holidays, it’s to resist the siren song of trying to change someone’s mind. Because you just can’t reason someone out of a position they didn’t reason themselves into. And honestly, when was the last time you changed your mind?
So, that’s my incomplete guide for how to get along at the holidays. I may be wrong - I often am - but I really would welcome any holiday tips, tricks, suggestions, hacks, or ideas if you might be open to sharing your hard-won wisdom in the comments below.